Everyone told you that having a baby is a life changing event. And you thought no different too. So you prepared your mind in advance for the hectic days, sleepless nights, unforgiving colic tantrums and general craziness well before the baby came out. However, did someone tell you that your equation with your husband would likely change after a baby?
Before you brush that question off with a “no, won’t happen to us ever”, please remember this – after childbirth, your body goes through a hormonal roller-coaster that will change the way you think, prioritize and act. And the ‘dad’ is not any less overwhelmed with the 180° turn in his life too. These changes will change(read: somewhat strain) your relationship with your husband. The degree of change would of course differ from couple to couple. Worst case, you will always be at each other’s throat. At the very least, you both will have less time for each other. So, we have put together eight most commonly mentioned differences new mommies feel towards their husbands.
8 Reasons You Have Differences with Your Husband after Having A Baby
1. You are upset with him most times – for seemingly no reason:
During the day, you are going crazy running all the household errands while also taking care of your child, while your husband finds sanctum in office. During the nights, you are going crazy with the tiring feeding schedule that demands you to wake up every 2 hours, while your husband sleeps. Of course, your husband helps in whatever way he can. But you feel it is not enough. You resent him as you think he does not have to work as hard as you. You are jealous as he gets to go out. He can even watch the TV while you are just breastfeeding every few hours. Every mom feels some of these, but in varying degrees. While you might not really realize the reason, you always seem angry with your husband. Hormonal changes, baby blues and postpartum depression further accentuate these feelings
2. Bye bye sex life:
Sex might not even be in the top 250 things on your mind now. While it is ok to have sex after 6-8 weeks of childbirth, most couple take many more months before they are ready for sex. At times, one of the partner might want it and the other doesn’t. You, as the mother, might also be worried about pain during intercourse or worried about how your body is looking postpartum. Our advice? Do it only when you feel ready. But definitely, discuss with your husband so that both of you are on the same page. Moreover, he should not feel that the baby has thrown sex out of the window. Sex will soon be as pleasurable and satisfying as it was before. For more tips, read Has Your Sex Life Dropped After a Baby?
3. You stop working on your relation:
Even though you might not have done it consciously, there were many couple activities you engaged in before the baby. Going for a date, sneaking some cozy time on the couch, watching a movie together, planning surprises for each other and so on and so forth. After the baby arrives, both of you become so consumed with all the added responsibilities that you will seldom get time alone. Your husband will have to fight over to get your attention over a crying/feeding/pooping baby. And if you do get time alone, you end up discussing the baby again. You literally stop nurturing your bond together – which is simply not the right thing to do. Do not despair. Here are 10 Tips to Sneak Romance After A Baby
4. Baby first, husband next:
You never thought it was possible to love anyone more than your husband. And then oops, the baby happens. You start loving the baby THE MOST in the world. Further, the baby is small and helpless and hence needs you more than your husband does. So naturally, all your time and efforts and priorities are centered on the baby. And it might appear to you that you love your baby more than your husband too. However, this might not be really true. You love both of them a lot – but differently. And it is important to communicate this to your husband, so that he does not feel left out or sad. Read How To Be A Great Wife While Being A Great Mother
5. Hang out with the spouse? Where is the time?
Before baby, you might have had lot of time in hand to be with your husband for no particular reason. You would have sat next to each other, one reading a book, other playing a mobile game. You would have taken a lazed evening stroll. You would have mindlessly watched TV together. After baby, there is no “free time” for both of you together. Whatever time you may get will be spend scheduling the next day, planning outfits, getting the bottles ready or ordering diapers. There is more work, and the only way one of you can relax is if the other watch over the baby during that time
6. More expectations. More disappointment. More friction:
Perhaps as a result of the crazed schedule and baby blues, you start expecting your husband to do more. In fact, all women tend to expect more compassion and empathy from their husbands, apart from taking active part in the daily routine chores. And when they don’t, you become angry and you fight – not exactly the yelling and shouting, but easily snapping at each other. Your husband might in turn be frustrated that you do not see how much efforts he is putting in. Result? You snap at him for something small like not tying the diaper properly. And he snaps at you for snapping at him. The vicious cycle begins
7. Different parenting styles:
You have already seen your husband as a son to his mother, brother, his sisters, husband to you and so on. But this is the first time you are going to see him as a father. And you might be surprised to realize that his parenting style is drastically different from yours. One of you could be the maniac-parent and the other “everything goes” parent. And if you guys are these extremes, then that might lead to more friction
8. But there is a silver lining. You both are in love again!:
Despite all the negativity and fights and ill feelings, you are both in love. With your beautiful baby. However, different your personalities are, you both now have a single vision – to see your baby happy in life. You laugh together at your baby’s naughtiness. You worry together when the baby falls sick. You, in short, are brought together as one team by your baby!
You must be wondering why your friends who told you about possibly everything about childbirth and baby care skipped to tell you how their relationships soured or changed after baby. Well, it is our culture. We are not comfortable talking about private stuff like the spousal bond. It might even be embarrassing for some to admit they fight with their husbands all the time. No judgement here. We are all on the same boat!
For more information on this topic, refer 8 Ways To Have A Stress-Free Relationship With Your Spouse After A Baby.
