When is the right age to have kids? Even before I complete the question I can already hear random shouts from across the world – “Twenties!”
I beg to differ. For me, the right age to have kids is when I and my husband feel ready for it.
What about the declining quality of your eggs and fertility? Pregnancy after 30 is difficult, you say.
What about my life? I counter.
How selfish, you exclaim.
Isn’t it more selfish to bring life into this world when you are not ready to take responsibility for it, I counter.
You are a woman, being a mother is your life’s purpose, you say.
My life’s purpose should be defined by me, not by you or society, I counter.
Family comes first, career later, you chide. Pregnancy after 30 is a bad decision.
A strong career foundation now will help my family later, I counter.
All my twenties, most of my conversation with my mom, aunts, and well-meaning but quite nosy neighbours have been variations of the above, that pregnancy after 30 is not good. Initially, I used to get pretty offended. Isn’t this my life? Once I do have a child, will Latha Aunty from Chennai take care of the child? Will she at least pay for the child’s upbringing? Then why should I care about what she thinks about my child-bearing age or whether pregnancy after 30 is good or bad?
However, with time, I mellowed down. I started understanding where all the shock and judgments came from. We are, as a culture, taught to believe that a woman needs to get married and produce offspring in her twenties, preferably before mid-twenties, but absolutely before 30’s. And it is not just culture, there are actually scientific studies that peg the ideal age for women to get pregnant in the early twenties, and speak of tough pregnancy after 30. Despite all that, I still decided to delay my pregnancy in my 30’s. Here is why:
This is Why I Delayed My Pregnancy After 30’s
- Getting my Life in Order: When I asked “what about my life?” earlier, I didn’t mean to sound selfish, I meant to sound practical. By the time I completed 10+2 schooling, 4 years of graduation and 2 years of post-graduation, I was 24. Then I got a great job and it took me a couple of years to settle down, make friends, have fun and meet my then-fiancé and now-husband. After a year-long engagement, I finally got married when I was 27. We both decided we should wait for 3-4 years before having a child. And wham! I crossed 30 by default! Of course, there are always outliers. I know people who got married at 24, then did their masters, then had a child and then joined work. I was not sure if I could be that outlier!
- Trading the Baby for a Laptop: I did not slog through the best years of my life to have a job. I wanted a career and a good one at that. This is not to say I deprioritized having a child. Quite the contrary, actually. I knew that once I have a child, being a mother will be my #1 priority. I did not want to be making a career vs. baby choice every single day. The initial few years at work are very important. I wanted to perform well, make great impressions, build a strong resume and gain confidence that I can sustain the career even with a child or two. That kind of confidence I did not have when I was 25. However, by the time I was 29-30, I was very comfortable with my career, my team, and my work. I did not, hence, ever have a career vs baby dilemma! I was thinking of giving my family a good life, not if pregnancy after 30 will create problems or not.
- Traveling the World: I wanted to travel extensively. Once I started earning, that dream became much more real. By the time I was 30, I had covered most of the famous tourist spots in India and 9 countries. I know I could travel with a child also. And I am sure I could go back to all the places I visited with my baby and see it in a new light. However, traveling solo or with your spouse alone is a much more care-free and adventurous affair. You are much more spontaneous when you are child-free. With children, you may not be able to make impulsive decisions at all.
- Strengthening the Love and Bond with my Spouse: I wanted to see my husband as a “husband” for a few years before I started seeing him as a “father”. In the 4 years before my pregnancy, we forged a bond so strong that we knew we could deal with the risks, responsibilities, trials, and tribulations associated with parenting together. Sure, there are many successful couples who became parents within the first year of marriage. No contesting that. But I did not want to take that chance. And I did not. Pregnancy after 30 was not an issue with either of us. We decided what we want to do together, and it was our decision as husband and wife.
So, why am I trying to justify my choice? That’s because I had the last laugh as I did all of the above and still had an almost uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby. Yes, I did. Pregnancy after 30 did not have any negative effect on my baby or me. Thankfully I did not face any health issues, neither did my little one. We are both fine. However, some may also think that I got lucky. I may have, but then I stuck to my decisions as a working woman and a wife and I am glad about it.
Let me clear myself though- I am not saying everyone should follow what I chose and plan pregnancy after 30. It is your and your family’s decision entirely. It should not be a “fad” you try to follow.
It is your life. Your baby is your responsibility– physically, emotionally, and financially. Think of all the pros and cons of pregnancy after 30 and take a wise call.
